So I have been doing really well the last few weeks, feeling really good and motivated to make this New Year the best ever!
And then what!
Out of the blue
I fell off the wagon of success!
I have not been doing all that great this week!
I have been having major highs, and lows and I hate it!
I let the way I look, and the number on the scale determine my happiness and mood!
And if it does not look the way I want, I am not a happy camper!
So I ask, why does it have to look a certain way?
Why is there a mold we have to fit, when we are all so different!
Why are we all aiming for such a high, and some what unreachable goal!
And why oh why does weight have to be my curse in life?
Why can't I just be happy and satisfied with myself just the way I am
It is never good enough!
Why do I feel like my self worth is based so much on my weight?
So I joined a biggest looser competition here in my town
I had been doing great, and dieting and exercising so good! I felt like I was really staying on track and I went in for the first weigh in and what?
I was up 2 oz! Not down... but up!
This set me straight into a major downward spiral!
I have been depressed to the point of not wanting to get out of bed!
I am embarrassed to even tell you that! But it is true!
I felt like such a failure and suddenly my goals all just went to pot, down the drain!
I gave my self permission to gorge myself in pity, and food... all you can eat! I felt like my will went directly to Satan, and the devil has now consumed my eating! And cereal and pizza have become my best friends once again! I truly can say that I am a food addict! I really have a problem and should probably seek professional help!
I have been in my moo moo most the week, have not wanted to see anyone or go to the gym!
I am sort of mad at the gym right now because I have been dragging myself with two kids to the gym killing myself, and what! I was up 2 oz! So here I am wondering why life has to be such a roller coaster for me, why am I up and down so much? And why do I have to be skinny to be happy! I really wish I could just be me! Chubby, funny, loving ME! I feel bad that I have screwed up! I really want to get back on track, but I really don't want to do it! And I just want to be OK with who I am! To me Thin= Happy I need to shift my way of thinking. Sometimes I can, but sometimes It is really hard to!
I am a stress eater! I have been under a lot of stress! We all deal with things differently and for me food is my way of dealing with stress! I really hope I can get back on the wagon this week, I am not looking forward to going to my weigh in and being up probably like 5 lbs, so I guess I better got on track, and stay on track! I need to stop being my own worst enemy and start loving and excepting my self the way I am! It feels so good to me to write my feelings! I know I am an open book and sometimes I share to much! Well here is to overcoming challenges and staying on track! I pray that this week will be better and that I can learn to love my self the way I am!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
It does not have to look a certain way... or does it?
Posted by bows and more at 3:48 PM
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11 comments:
I know how you feel and I totally did that before I got pregnant. I really have to have something to motivate me to loose weight like the baby weight, so I am with ya. Hang in there.
Are your headbands at the Iron Station still? They are so cute, I do need some.
Hang in there Kels...it is sad that us as women beat ourselves when we feel like we aren't "measuring up". I think you are awesome for getting going and taking two kids to the gym to do it. You are my example. I should be. So keep it up! There are always ups and downs...you'll make it!
Oh Kelsi...I wish I had some words of inspiration for you right now. You should be easier on yourself & give yourself credit...don't have a magnifying glass on your mistakes. I know it is hard...even being the smallest I have been since my junior year of highschool...I am still not happy. Why is that we are never good enough, skinny or not?? Just keep telling yourself "I am enough!" You are beautiful!
Oh, & I am so an open book too!! LOL.
these are all questions i ask myself all the time. Do not beatyourself up.If you have been exercising chances are you are gaining muscle which weighs more than fat.
I say who cares you are gorgeous.
Hey! I found your blog on Jamie's; I'm glad I found it - I love reading your posts! I hope you have a better week! I think you look fantastic!! Hang in there, you are great!!
Oh man, I totally understand how you feel! One thing that helps me is to just take things one thing at a time instead of trying to do it all at once. I made it a goal to try and get off diet coke and I haven't had one since Jan. 1st which probably doesn't sound that awesome but it's a start for me. I also told myself no matter what the scale said I would work out at least 30 min. 5 days a week. Next month I am going to add something new to my rutine like add an extra 10 min. to my workouts 5 days a week and also cut down on my treats. Anyways, I don't know if it will help you, but it works for me (I can't do everything all at once because then I feel deprived and ovewhelmed). Good Luck!
Oh Kels!!! You are beautiful just the way you are..... I don't know why us women are so hard on ourselves. I know what you are going through. I don't know how many days I have ruined and wasted because my pants didn't fit right. (A TON). It is going to be really hard when our daughters get older, because I do not want Charley to worry about her body. Keep your chin up and know that you are beautiful inside and out. LOL
Dearest Kelsi,
I so understand what you are saying because I have felt the same way for most of my life. I have fought my weight for as long as I can remember. One time, years ago I only drank water and had vitamins for a week. I went to the gym everyday. I was under a doctor's care believe it or not. I was at a plateau and he thought this drastic fast would jar me through the plateau. It almost killed me but I did it. At the end of the week I was hoping to have lost 10 pounds...I got on the scale...and guess what???? I had gained 1 pound!!! I was suicidal!!!
For years the scale determined my state of mind....and most of the time I was upset....and yet when I look back over old movies or pictures I realize that I looked plenty thin enought and quite pretty. All those years I thought I looked terrible...and I didn't. I am sorry that I did not realize back then that I really looked nice and appreciate it.
I think that you are beautiful. I wish that I could say something that would help you feel better about yourself. My advice is for you to get rid of the scales. I had a doctor tell me to do that because ever time I got so disappointed I would go into a eating the wrong stuff cycle.
Why don't you try watching watching what you eat and exercise regularly but don't let the scales rule your life. I spent so much of my life at your age being sad about my weight which went up and down between 135 and 150. I was 5ft. 6 1/2 inches. For a short while I got down to 128...but I averaged about 140-145 and I was miserable. I wore size 7 or 9. I looked fine in my clothes but my legs never looked good in shorts or a bathing suit and I hated it.
You are so lovely. Don't do like I did and waste your young years obsessing over your weight. I was told that stress can also keep you from losing weight.
Put those scales away....eat and exercise...and don't weigh for a month...if then. Be happy with the results you will see in the mirror and stop letting those nasty scales rule your life. You deserve better for yourself and for your family. Don't make the mistakes I did.
I am really over weight now. I have been going to Curves 3 times a week...even when we were visiting in Utah...and eating right...even over Thanksgiving... I got on the scales just before Christmas and I had gained 4 pounds. I was so sad. So I ate anything I wanted over the holidays. I am afraid to weigh now but I am being good again. So, I am going to try to take my own advice that I gave you. Lets do it together.
By the way, I have lost your cell phone number. I sent you an email earlier today. Would you please send it to me.
Thanks my dear. Love, Grammy Lura
Kels you are beautiful-& it sucks that we think we need to be "a buck-ten" to look & feel good! you are working out- & that is healthy & more than I've done in a long time :)I think you have probably gained muscle if anything. I need to get my butt back in gear.
Loves ya even if you are 2 oz heavier-haha
Sweetie!! You make me want to cry. Let me tell you something right now. He will stengthen you always. He will never leave you alone, and the advesary will do just the opposite. Don't let him in. He knows you so well. Send me your email address. I have a few books that you need to read. I read your post yesterday and thought a lot about you.
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