In a funk

My life is not what I imagined it would be.
Not that I ever really thought about the way my life would, or should look.
When I was a little girl I dreamed of the day I would be a mom
When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up my only response was
"A mother and a wife."
Well I am here to tell you I feel like it is more like a nightmare than a dream sometimes.
Sorry for the honesty here.
Life is hard. Really, really, really hard!!!
Sad that I thought it was really going to be like playing house.
So here I am with five kids and a husband.
I love them more than anything in the world.
They are my greatest joy!
But to be totally honest I am not loving my dream job so much right now.
I felt like I was a really good Mom until I had my fourth baby. ( sorry Bridger and Ava)
I enjoyed playing and doing all the fun things I always dreamed I would do as a Mom.
Sure I made mistakes but I really felt like I was a good Mom!
having five kids is kicking my butt big time! I am not afraid to admit it I have no sense of pride that I am not the best Mom ever anymore.
I feel buried under 10 loads of laundry that have been on my floor for almost a week now. And have small short glimpses of a clean house.( they last 5 mins or less)
I don't read with my kids the way I should or use too.
I feel like I am constantly running and I am always a day late and a dollar short.
I think one of the greatest tools Satan possesses is to make us believe we are less than, that we are worthless. I think also that we truly believe that we are the only ones who have problems. We see everyone like the clean living room in the entry way of their home and not as their messy closets! I think that I am really struggling with this right now. I feel like a am my own worst enemy. That is why I titled this post in a funk! I am there! Stuck! Feeling so down and out that I am screaming inside. I feel like I am on the edge of a water fall teetering ready to go over the edge at any minute. I am tired. I look like crap! I feel like I am not doing a good job with my kids. I feel completely spent in every way. So how is that for being open and honest. I miss Eric! He is never here. I miss my old life in some ways. I miss when I could have time to actually think. When cleaning lasted for more than five minutes. When I could eat, sleep and relax in peace. Sorry I know this post is so negative and out there. OK so here is the part where I remind myself that I am happy and I am so thankful for so many things and I start to count my blessings and remember the whole purpose of this life. It is not to have the perfect clean house, or perfect sized jeans. Those things don't last I know that I have had both and now have neither! I am really going off here. I guess I just needed to vent a little. Life is what you make it and what you choose to focus your time and attention on. We are all always needing to recommit to doing and being better. I just wish the lows could be less frequent I guess. I think there are just so many uncertainties in my life right now. I feel kind of lost in a way. We are going to have to move soon and I have no idea how we are going to make it.
FAITH... I hope I can have the faith needed to make it through.
So I am going to list the things I am thankful for this day as we are coming up on Thanks Giving next week. I know the best medicine for depression and no it is not Prozac or well butrin. There are three things and they really do work.
GRATITUDE~ HUMOR~ SERVICE
When or if you are having a hard time any one of these will assit you in feeling better. Have gratitude for the little things, laugh until you cry, and step outside your self and your problems and serve someone. So I guess I need to take my own advice and start being my best friend instead of my worst enemy.
Here are some of the things I am thankful for today.

~ It was a beautiful day today I took Ava for a walk and went to the park.
~Ava is using the big potty! Yeah no more diapers! After 12 years that is a huge blessing! She also had her first dance class this week! That was a little piece of heaven for me! I am teaching dance! I love to dance and have missed it so much so what a blessing to have a way to enjoy it again!
~ Eric He is amazing! I am so very proud of him in a new way. He is brilliant! He is doing so good in school and is such a hard worker! He has been working and going to school full time for the last 3-4 weeks, I am so thankful for him.
~My Mom. I honestly have no idea how I would do life with out her! She is always so willing to help me out. I have learned so much about service through her by being ever so blessed to have the most generous Mom on the earth!
~My Dad- Honestly he has been such a wonderful support to us! He has taught me so much about working smarter not harder he is such a great Grandpa to my kids.
~My friends and neighbors. It is going to be really hard to leave our neighborhood. We have been so blessed to have the best friends and neighbors.

Well my neck is killing me I need to stop but the list could go on and on. I am going to try a little harder tomorrow to be a little better. I guess I need to lower my standards or just cut myself a little slack. I know it will get better or easier some day. I am just an anxious spirit!